I Am Lost.

Wow, God. You are too good to me. So, I have been reading The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns, CEO of Worldvison. I was totally being pretentious at first in thinking that it would be filled with stuff that I’ve heard and have been preached to for ages. It has been preached for ages, but the catch is that we don’t actually use it. Also, I am never too wise or too “mature” in faith for God’s message. No one is. In truth, it is filled with wonderful reminders. One simple reminder that confronted me as I write this is: God’s way is better than any possible method we can come up with ourselves. Stearns writes, “…If we turn our backs on God’s will for our lives, what makes us think we’ll be better off?” (Stearns 89). He then uses the story of Jonah to demonstrate what he means in choosing God’s path and our own. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want any whale-time. Stearns also says we must give up the possessions, worldly obsessions, and idols that claim our lives to receive the gifts that He wants to give us. So simple. Yet how many times in my life have I found myself knowingly turning my back on Him? My Husband, Daddy, LORD? The one who has always been there for me, has given me more than I could ever deserve or imagine, and the husband who died for me? How dare I ever forget him/ turn on him? I am crying as I write this because: One, I am a ball of emotions. Two, because he really is that RAD. How I forget. How I try to play God. How I fall into this world’s temptations. How I am horridly off in thinking that I can live my life better. I know best? Yeah, right. I wouldn’t be alive now without my Daddy and I trust my judgment over His? You ARE a silly girl, Lynn. You even wrote to yourself in third person right now.

I continued to read… The VERY next point Stearns makes is essentially about vocation. I have been wrestling with what God is calling me to do with this meager life of mine. I am so undeserving of a life of adventure, to serve him, to even call him “Lord.” But he STILL calls us to live a life for him. IT IS AN HONOR. I forget this. Often. Ashamedly, I have had thoughts asking God why he didn’t call me to be an amazing singer or supermodel (I am a LAME person, I’m not lying to you). I have been wrestling with this whole “state your major” predicament most college students my age face coming into Sophomore and Junior year. I was uncomfortable with my current English major, wondering if God really called me to read books that lots of old or dead people have written and act as an expert on dissecting these works. Then, I was asked by the head of the English department, “If you could do anything in the world, majors aside, worries aside, what would your dream job be? Then go from there… if it fails, it fails. But know that you attempted your dream.” This advice both excited me and troubled me. The troubling bits were due to several flaws within myself. I definitely have wanted to be many things in my lifetime. A ballerina, an amazing singer with lyrics matching Ben Gibbard’s and Mumford & Son’s masterpieces, that cool indie Asian bass player in a rad underground band… Yes, I am a FREAKIN’ dork. What I had wanted never matched what God wanted for me. I have prayed that His will and my desire would align, because that is what happens when you truly fall in love with Christ. I’m not at that point yet.

Oh yeah, sorry for my rambling. My reply was, “I’d like to use my writing one day to serve the suffering in this world. I don’t exactly know how, but there are too many atrocities going on and too many people not doing anything. I love writing. I want to serve the helpless and give a voice to the voiceless.” Thinking back, I was stoked. I wanted to make it happen. But for who? For the children? Yeah, great, but WHY? To show those kids that God loves them. Great, good Sunday school answer Lynn. Sometimes I wonder why I am so motivated to do so. I want each time I am asked that to think, “I do it to serve Christ.” But sometimes I wonder if it ever is motivated by other things. Pride? The ability to claim a “non-profit minor” with a smile? The affirmation from others that I am a “good person?” My ridiculous “25 most Remarkable Teens in Riverside title?” Oh gosh, tears again. Why am I doing the things I do? Why do I want the things I want? It needs to be for HIM and only Him.

The second thing I thought of when Mrs. Goodman asked me that question was to somehow combine fashion and serve people. I wanted to start my own fair-trade, environmentally conscious fashion line. Why I thought? There is an abundance of people who want to contribute to good causes, but causes normally limit their merchandise to t-shirts. Girls are silly and like to wear stylish clothing, not just t-shirts. So why not make a line where the clothes being made are made by the people receiving the benefit? The purpose of the company would be to fund villages in the things that they would need, not just provide them with things we as Americans think that they need. Whether it is to build churches, set up schools, provide uniforms, scholarships, or build orphanages. It would be a fully fashionable line helping those who need help.

Except, there are already awesome companies doing this exact business model. People Tree being a great example, even though they are based in London and have not yet created as much steam as other charitable fashion companies, like TOMS Shoes. Having worked as a campus rep intern for TOMS Shoes I almost felt uncomfortable with TOMS’ profit margin, but I got over my pretension and realized that it was giving consumers the choice. The choice in giving money to what would have been a shoe purchase benefiting highly paid CEO’s and supporting slave labor, or to another child who needs shoes (and yes paid CEO’s, but ones who have the spirit of giving). There’s also that whole argument of using people’s goodwill to make money, but that’s beside the point. Kids are getting shoes, people are being prevented from podoconiosis, and there are a lot less foot wounds and a lot more smiles in the world. Oh gosh, how I rant.

Anyway, I wanted to go to China this year and travel. Meet people. Meet villages. Serve at orphanages. Find people who want to make this reality… and then DO IT. I wanted to bring Christ to this extremely secular business of fashion and do it in love. I didn’t want it to be cheesy C:28-like (sorry, C:28 you do awesome things and have your place, but let’s admit things have gotten out of hand), but be legitimate in the fashion world, spread God’s love, and serve people and show rather than solely speak of His love. Give the consumers a choice, in giving and giving not only what it needs for the people to survive here on Earth, but also most importantly what they need to live for eternity with our Daddy. Again, is it all for God, Lynn? Or is it to make yourself feel accomplished in the fashion world and be called a “revolutionary” in this field? The answer would definitely not be the latter, because people are doing exactly what I am deciding. Now, I am insecure about both dreams. English? Have you read my blog? My writing is horrid. Fashion? You’re at a “liberal arts” Christian school, with a total of 6 people in your class that are art majors. Studying fashion related areas at Pepperdine is like studying accounting at space camp.

I’ve lost my mind. I am praying for my lost mind. I have been majorly stressing these last few months figuring out what classes I need to take. I don’t want to waste any more of God’s time. I need to hear “his calling” and “get in the zone” as Stearns writes. That’s it: hear it and then do it. All I hear are my own selfish desires. If you are so gracious, please pray that I would be beckoned by his call and have the wisdom to discern his words from my own thoughts. Oh how I have prayed that prayer many times… it’s about time that I take it seriously.

Sidenote: As I post this on my blog, FRACIS CHAN’S CRAZY LOVE’S LAST CHAPTER JUST PLAYED ON iTUNES WHILE ON SHUFFLE. I have the book on audio thanks to my uncle. The last chapter speaks about giving up our lives for God and truly living for Him. God speaks, man. GOD SPEAKS.

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About Lynn Pham

Multi-faceted.

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